It's typical of NFL-coach silliness, but still not funny.

There is a commandment among football coaches, "Thou shalt not announce thy quarterback definitively if there is any way to be vague, elusive or deceptive. Please note, this won't work if thou hast, say, a Peyton Manning."

Mike Nolan and Lane Kiffin are keeping that commandment, but they're not doing themselves any favors.

Both are unproven as head coaches, and the wishy-washy, secret quarterback game doesn't help either of them gain the confidence of the fans or the players.

Waffling is never a good look.

When coaches play that game with the fans, through the media, they create or reinforce the feeling that, one, they don't quite have a handle on the situation; two, they are desperate for even the teensiest psychological edge over the next opponent; and three, they are afraid to ruffle the feathers of their diva quarterbacks.

The suspense has no real payoff. The 49ers and Raiders have a total of seven quarterbacks, none of whom scare anyone. There are no Tom Bradys in the mix. The Titans weren't running around in a panic because they weren't sure if they'd be facing Daunte Culpepper or Josh McCown today.

Coaches, feel free to clip and save this handy quote:

"As of now, my starting quarterback Sunday will be (name of one quarterback). All factors considered, I like our chances best with him. What are those factors? I thought you might ask. Physical condition, recent performance, and my professional evaluation."

Deep thoughts, cheap shots & bon mots ...

-- At the recent Barry Bonds lovefest at the Commonwealth Club, host Ray Taliaferro said Bonds loves his BlackBerry so much he even takes it into the dugout. Taliaferro claimed Bonds responded to a BlackBerry message, from the dugout, during a game. Which would be against baseball rules. So Bonds' next job might be with the New England Patriots.

-- Bonds, in talking about how the Giants still need him, and how he could do a better GM job than the current GM, comes off not so much as a wistful ex-Giant, but more like a stalker.

-- Maybe it's time for Bonds to become a global ambassador. So let's start this rumor: Barry, should he fail to receive acceptable offers from major-league teams, will consider playing in Japan. I checked; the Pacific League has the DH.

-- The Yankees offered Joe Torre incentives for reaching the World Series. "I took it as an insult," Torre said. With all respect to Torre, people in sports who are insulted by multimillion-dollar offers should keep it to themselves.

-- George Steinbrenner's parting words to Torre: "You'll always be a Yankee." Torre shouldn't worry. I'm pretty sure that there are religious people who can remove that kind of curse.

-- It's a life sentence, but in six years Torre will be eligible for parole.

-- ESPN The Magazine rated the "curb appeal" or "fun-to-watch factor" of each NBA team, on a 1-5 scale. The only 5s were the Suns, Mavericks and Warriors.

-- On the same ratings scale, zeros were awarded to the Pacerzzz, Clipperzzz, Timberwolvezzz and Kingzzz.

-- Another reason to be amazed by the Warriors: The players have formed a book club. Baron Davis, in his blog, writes, "We even started a book club and, yes, Steve Jack (Stephen Jackson) is a member." I'm not sure why Davis singled out Jackson, since Jack is the one Warrior who has been booked.

-- Paul Byrd seems to have a good excuse for using human growth hormone: a tumor on his pituitary gland. The story gets a little shaky, though, when you read that some of his prescriptions were written by a dentist.

-- Lakers center Andrew Bynum: From superstar-in-the-making to just one of the guys in the mix, fighting for a starting job.

-- The NFL added $10 million to the medical fund for retired players. The squeaky hip gets the grease.

-- The more you read about China's preparation for the Olympics, the more you hope they dial it back a bit and take a more loosey-goosey approach to hosting the world. Chinese officials are trying to break the public of habits such as spitting, throat-clearing and line-cutting. Now Chinese Olympics officials are looking for female hostesses for the medal-presentation ceremonies, and they will reject candidates who have tattoos, earrings or wide rear ends. No Hostess Twinkies for these twinkling hostesses.

-- So if you've been wearin' those tattoos of Chairman Mao/You ain't gonna give out no gold medals anyhow.

-- Here's an opportunity for the U.S. to help correct its trade imbalance with China. We could sell their Olympic committee our stockpiles of surplus, out-of-vogue "No fat chicks" bumper stickers.

E-mail Scott Ostler at sostler@sfchronicle.com.

This article appeared on page D - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle